why didn't you poke me back
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just want nice things and good sex
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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