So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
