Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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