Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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