1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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