from now on my penis is your penis
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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