My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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