New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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