YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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