I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
