$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize