My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
