The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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