Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
