there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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