i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
