how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
