if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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