dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
