WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
