I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize