we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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