I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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