Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
