I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
She needs sedatives and a leash
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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