I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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