If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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