I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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