Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
