She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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