my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
