Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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