Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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