Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
