I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
