It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
