I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize