guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
