Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
