I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
