You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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