the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think your dad took our porno
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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