I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
