remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
