Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
