Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
