I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
