The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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