I never want to see another naked old woman again.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
