I have demons in me.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
