The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
