Umm I'm too high to move.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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