3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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