On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
