is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
