What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
