By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
