i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize