My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
