Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize