I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize