I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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