There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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