In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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