Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
