First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
