Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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